High Effort in a Low Effort World

There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from always being the one holding things together.

The one who texts first.
Makes the plans.
Checks in.
Remembers birthdays.
Keeps conversations going.
Smooths things over.
Shows up.
Again and again and again.

We often call these people “high effort.” And in a world increasingly built around convenience, distraction, avoidance, and emotional shortcuts, high effort people can feel profoundly alone.

But I want to be careful here because this is not really about good people versus bad people. High effort is not morally superior to low effort. Both have strengths. Both have consequences. High effort people often create connection, stability, warmth, and
reliability. They make people feel remembered and cared for. But high effort can also become over-functioning. It can become control, fear, anxiety, hypervigilance, or an unconscious attempt to prevent abandonment.

And low effort people? They are not automatically selfish or uncaring. Some are overwhelmed. Some are avoidant. Some are passive. Some simply move through relationships differently. Some conserve energy better than high effort people ever learned to.

The problem is not necessarily that one person is high effort and another is low effort. The problem is what happens when the relationship becomes dependent on only one person sustaining it.

High effort people often feel forgotten, unseen, or unimportant. But part of that pain is sometimes self-created. When we immediately jump up to carry the relationship, we don’t leave much room for others to step forward. And if we are honest, sometimes we do that because we are afraid.

One of the hardest realizations in adulthood is recognizing that a relationship may not hold the same level of importance for someone else as it does for you.

That realization hurts. Not because the other person is evil or the relationship was fake. But because unequal investment is painful. So what do you do when you realize you are high effort in a low effort world?

In Soul Care, we talk often about time as your most valuable currency. (There is even a worksheet on the website dedicated to exploring this idea.) The point is to examine where your life energy is actually going.

Are you investing your time into what matters most to you — especially future you? Or are you endlessly scrolling social media, numbing out in front of Netflix, and telling yourself you will visit grandma tomorrow… take the kids to the park next weekend… call your friend when things calm down?

Emotional energy matters too. And here is the interesting thing about energy: often we have to spend it in order to gain it.

Connection creates energy.
Meaning creates energy.
Purpose creates energy.
Intentional living creates energy.

Soul Care is fundamentally about becoming intentional in our lives and relationships. It is about recognizing that we often play a role in our own angst. (Obviously this does not apply to trauma, abuse, or exploitation.) It is also about recognizing a difficult truth: We cannot change other people.

We cannot force someone to become high effort or make them value relationships the way we do. We cannot love people into emotional availability.

Sometimes Soul Care looks like continuing to show up. Sometimes it looks like grieving reality. Sometimes it looks like setting boundaries. Sometimes it looks like allowing silence long enough to see who reaches back. That does not make you cold or selfish, and it does not mean you love people less.

It may simply mean you are finally claiming yourself, and that is difficult work. But over time, it may also become the difference between constantly abandoning yourself for connection… and finally building relationships where you no longer have to carry the entire emotional weight alone.